Jeanine Marie Austin, Ph.D., C.Ht.
www.SimplyDivineSolutions.com

Jeanine Marie Austin, Ph.D., C.Ht.
Life Coaching & Hypnosis for Women AND MEN Worldwide
http://www.SimplyDivineSolutions

With all the current focus on “being all we can be” and “manifesting all of our desires” many of us feel the burden of perfection looming. Even the adage about striving for excellence rather than perfection can be cold comfort.

Much of the rhetoric of the life coaching movement, still in its infancy I’m afraid, frequently places unabashed attention on the attainment of what is often just out of reach. Somewhat secretly, I find the whole affair exhausting.

What about the somewhat unsexy business of just being? Certainly, as human beings we want to unfold. We want to love more, extend more, express more and connect more. But, an overextended reach towards something we think we should have or be is an exercise in perfectionism and self flagellation.

A wholesome gentle discipline untrammeled by anxiety is often the healthy middle road that feels natural and easy to journey along. A fear based motivation may assure us the attainment of that “thing”; however, its attainment often leaves us unhappy and strangely unfulfilled. The more we mature the more we find that it is really about the process or the journey not about perfectionistic outcomes. Most of the time, the satisfaction of outcomes is too fleeting to derive any ongoing pleasure from. Seeking perfection in forms will always elude us in the long run because by their very nature forms are ephemeral.

Perfection is just an idea that doesn’t feed our soul. In fact, the push to perfection tends to drive us to a certain kind of madness. Perfection and authenticity seem to be at opposite end of the spectrum. What is often most beautiful, at least in my mind’s eye, is that so called imperfect bit of life that tears our heart open and motivates us to love and embrace it all.

© 2010 Jeanine Marie Austin, Ph.D., C.Ht.
Simply Divine Solutions
www.SimplyDivineSolutions.com

Positive Psychology is a school of psychology which centers on helping us to be happier. This is in contrast to most other schools of psychology which focus on mental illness and bringing people to a functional state of mental health. In other words, historically most of the work of psychology has been on helping us survive, while Positive Psychology teaches us to thrive.

In Positive Psychology researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book The How of Happiness she wrote that there is a breakdown for the sources of happiness:  40% is in our self control, 50% is a predetermined genetic set point and 10% is determined by circumstances.

It may feel counterintuitive to realize that only 10% of our life circumstances determine our degree of happiness. Of course, because of this belief, many of us seek to change our life circumstances in order to become happier.

My favorite Positive Psychology book The Beethoven Factor:  The New Positive Psychology of Hardiness, Happiness, Healing and Hope was penned by the late Dr. Paul Pearsall. In his book Dr. Pearsall explored why Beethoven after losing his hearing wrote “Ode to Joy”. What caused him to thrive after such a devastating loss so seemingly germane to his happiness?

Dr. Pearsall suggests that we can develop a talent for thriving and offers a six pronged model for reacting to life challenges. Many of us will recall the classic Man’s Search for Meaning by Dr. Viktor Frankl in which he describes his unlikely survival as a prisoner during the Holocaust. Because Dr. Frankl was able to find meaning in his experience, his was able to fortify himself against impending death in a number of ways. Perhaps in some way a skill that Dr. Pearsall writes of “creative compartmentalizing” (which a friend and I were appreciating just yesterday) was something that Dr. Frankl employed as well.

Dr. Martin Seligman, in his book Authentic Happiness:  Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment offers the idea that if you know what your key (or top 5) coping strengths are, that you can engage these to make yourself happier. The Signature Strengths test can be also taken for free by following this link:  http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx

To illustrate outcomes, my results for the test were:

Appreciation of beauty and excellence

Gratitude

Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith

Industry, diligence and perseverance

Kindness and generosity

My awareness that these are my strengths in a more tangible way than before I took the test has reminded me to utilize these strengths in a deliberate way in times of stress and strife.

To be happy is a worthy pursuit. In fact, Aristotle said “Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.” The study of Positive Psychology  can help us live our purpose.

© 2010 Jeanine Marie Austin, Ph.D., C.Ht.

Simply Divine Solutions: Life Coaching and Hypnosis Worldwide

www.SimplyDivineSolutions.com

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~Tibetan Buddhist Meditation

When we are feeling limited, frightened, or restricted in some way, we might choose to contemplate the quality of spaciousness. Spaciousness is about limitlessness, expansion and wholeness. For the spiritually minded, the contemplation of spaciousness may help us to embrace or become one with our Source.

If we allow ourselves to imagine ourselves, no longer as separate entities with physical parameters, but as part of the universe’s holographic whole, we create a sense of freedom and inner peace. Much of our suffering comes from seeing ourselves as separate, limited, different, or lonely. This practice of contemplating spaciousness through a boundless mind perspective helps us to correct these thoughts and brings us into a mental and spiritual state of unity and oneness.

We may be able to extend compassion to others through the frequent contemplation of spaciousness. In Buddhism, the embracing and encompassing of others through spaciousness is called “the practice of equanimity”. In her book, The Places That Scare You:  A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times, Pema Chodron writes,  “In practicing equanimity, we train in widening our circle of understanding and compassion to include the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly.” When we judge others or hold negativity (often experienced as tightness somewhere in the body), we demonstrate our belief in separateness. In contemplating that our sister is really ourself, this expanded awareness helps us to recognize that judgment and anger are the sneaky agents of separateness.

A spaciousness perspective may help us to reduce our conflicts with others. Through the practice of equanimity, we might see someone who is bringing up for us untoward feelings, as a teacher, disguised but really ourself, who is showing us the path to unity. We might ask ourselves “Could we be bringing up unconsciously something in our experience with her that needs healing? Might we make peace with all others and recognize the interconnected and expanded possibilities we have at our finger tips?”

Many times clients come to coach with me because they are at crossroads in their lives. They wanted to be liberated from restrictive identities and a vague or profound sense of disconnection and numbness. The contemplation of spaciousness is often a helpful practice for them. Interestingly, these clients also often want to de-clutter their homes and offices in order to create open spaces.  Sometimes a literal de-cluttering process is started in order that metaphoric (mental and spiritual) spaciousness can begin.

VIDEO:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ck8kjieKto&feature=more_related

(c) 2007 Jeanine Mare Austin, P.hD., C.Ht.
http://www.SimplyDivineSolutions.com

The other day I was in my car and listening to a wonderful oldie by the Lovin’ Spoonful. I think they captured what the decision making process is all about in their song “Did You Ever Have to Make up Your Mind.”

“Did you ever have to make up your mind?
Pick up on one and leave the other behind?
It’s not often easy and not often kind,
Did you ever have to make up your mind?”

A friend of mine was recently discussing with me the challenge of choosing from a bevy of bodacious beauties. Whether to choose from the heart or the head was a question that he seemed to be challenged by. What if he decided wrong?

We’ve all made choices that were intellectual “It/he really looked good on paper!” Most of us remember Lady Diana’s solemn interview with Martin Bashir, not long before her death, in which she said that she felt like a sheep to the slaughter walking down the isle to Prince Charles on her wedding day. However, she knew the tea towels had already been printed. Herein lays this challenge of the mind vs. heart smack down. What if the heart and mind have very different ideas about how to decide? Sometimes “heart” decisions are thought to be emotional decisions, and we all know emotions can change on a dime. My favorite Lovin’ Spoonfuls stanza (below) from the same song gets to the heart of the matter.

“Sometimes there’s one with big blue eyes, cute as a bunny,
With hair down to here, and plenty of money,
And just when you think she’s that one in the world,
You heart gets stolen by some mousey little girl!”

Prayer and meditation connect us to Source. Answers, and often miracles, may become available to us when we are not trying to solve our challenges with the same mindset that may have created them in the first place. When we are really stuck, we may want to commit to as much time in silence as possible. Sometimes our best decisions come from empty spaces. When we are quiet, open, and relaxed, we just might find ourselves having an “a-ha!” moment. I often find my best ideas and decisions come when I am in line at Starbucks. (I am sure they would come from sitting on a mountain top in Tibet if I could get there easily!). We want to “get present” when we are making an important decision. We don’t have the past or the future, but we do have this present moment. Sometimes, if time affords, it is best not to make a decision. During this time we may want to get quiet, be gentle, reflect, pray, meditate, go to a sacred spot, or participate in a ritual (sacred or secular). Talking to a friend (old and new can give different perspectives), a loving family member, a therapist, a sponsor, a (spiritual) life coach or even all these support people can help us make a decision we feel good about. When you need to make a decision, try to open your mind and search for different possibilities and perspectives. Look at your challenge from different vantage points. Asking yourself questions such as “What would I do if I felt I had no limits?” “How might a decision be made in this situation that would honor and respect everyone involved?” A fanciful question such as “What would this challenge look like from the moon?” can help free up your mind for creative decision making.

Having said this, I realize sometimes we are forced to make an immediate decision. How socially popular a decision is can often muddy our decision making process. In Dante’s Inferno the quote “The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in time of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality” illustrates the importance of taking action when it is required. We must remember that slavery, the holocaust, the murder of Native Americans and all other horrifying historical acts went on because these ideas were in keeping with the beliefs of those who generated them. The followers, those who made the fruition of these ideas possible, were just going along with the popular ideas of the day. Because they were unconscious, they weren’t really deciding. By not deciding and allowing abominations to take place, like Shakespeare’s Lady Macbeth who cries “out damn spot”, we won’t be able to get the blood off our hands. Often, when making difficult decisions, we can feel that we are choosing between two evils. This dilemma can lead us to make no decision, which I often remind my clients, is a decision.

When we have to make a decision we are challenged by, we might utilize a decision making model in order to make the best decision we can. I’m not sure where The Decision Quadrant exercise comes from, but I have committed it to memory:

Decision Making Quadrant
Directions: Write and think extensively and exhaustively about each of these questions.
What will happen if you do it?
What won’t happen if you do it?
What will happen if you don’t do it?
What won’t happen if you don’t do it?

I have also found that Kohlberg’s Moral Inventory (http://www.answers.com/topic/kohlberg-moral-stages-vop-gif) can be a wonderful framework for making ethical decisions from the highest ethical vantage point.

One of my fabulous 20-something clients recently turned me on to Fergie’s latest song “Big Girls Don’t Cry”. While I know that big girls do cry, the rest of the lyrics ring true. In the song, the woman decides to choose her own peace of mind over a true love relationship. Miss Fergilicious sings:

“I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
peace, serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, myself and I
We’ve got some straightenin’ out to do
And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now.”

While decision making can be tough, and we don’t have tomorrow’s 20-20 vision from today’s vantage point, let’s try to be conscious women and men and show up as conscious as possible for the decision making process.

(c) 2007 Jeanine Marie Austin, Ph.D., C.Ht.
www.simplydivinesolutions.com

Stepping into the reality of my 45 years had me thinking of Marianne Williamson who was interviewed on Oprah on  to promote her new book “The Age of Miracles:  Embracing the New Midlife”. So far, I’ve purchased about twenty of her books from The Miracle Distribution Center in Anaheim for many of my friends who are celebrating birthdays or as an acknowledgement to many of my dear friends.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Marianne Williamson, she is a prolific author and lecturer who elucidates the teachings of A Course in Miracles.  I’ve always admired how Marianne pulls from a vast variety of reference points to bring the teachings to light for her students. She shows up fully as a modern woman bringing the Divine feminine to her work while creating a road map for those of us who seek to do the same.

Oprah was so excited to have Marianne on that she kept interrupting Marianne when Marianne was trying to speak. I can hardly blame Oprah. When I’ve met Marianne I’ve been hard pressed to say anything. Most of the time I stand nose to nose with her (we are exactly the same height ) and I just smile at her. As far as I am concerned, Marianne deserves all of our love and appreciation, even if it is a little over the top.

At one point Oprah shared a note that Marianne had written for her for her 50^th birthday. She had to work hard to compose herself because she was so deeply moved. Oprah I am sure receives accolades on a daily basis; certainly it was a special note. The ritualizing of birthdays and landmarks in our lives was suggested to be one way to access our divinity.

The gist of the conversation was that the 40s and 50s are often a time when we inhabit ourselves in a more authentic way than ever. In our 20s and 30s we are often tempted to grasp for that which is outside of ourselves. We spend our time trying to please others and keep up with the Joneses.  By mid-life, we begin to dig deep. Lying latent we find the treasure that we searched for all those previous years.

Another main point was that when we are on the right (I would say authentic) path the Universe rises up to meet us. One woman at midlife who was featured abandoned an unfulfilling job, followed an instinct to make European style chocolates and fell deeply in love with a man who had office space in the same building as her new chocolate company. When we follow our truth we might just find an outstretched hand as Joseph Campbell said.

Marianne, who looked AMAZING, told the audience she was 55 and Oprah, also radiant, said she was 54. How lucky are we that we have these amazing and radiant mentors that have blazed a trail for us.

I received an email from a woman in her early 20s (The same one who told me the show would be on!~Thank you A.T.) who said she was also inspired by the show. She shared that she doesn’t want to wait 10 years to inhabit herself, she wants to do it now. Let’s take a cue from her and all do our best to inhabit our lives and ourselves with authenticity.

(c) 2010 Jeanine Austin, Ph.D., C.Ht.
Doctor of Life Coaching, Certified Hypnotherapist
Simply Divine Solutions
http://www.SimplyDivineSolutions.com

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 While processing this situation with a friend I began to defend my work. “Well,” I said, “It was in the Bible and predated her reference by thousands of years. Besides, if she really knew anything, she would realize that time doesn’t even exist!”  With that, we both burst out laughing. I was defending that which didn’t need defending. I was being absurd. 

 It wasn’t even a few hours later that I was reading Pema Chodron’s, Start Where You Are:  A Guide to Compassionate Living. In the book, she contemplates the slogan “abandon poisonous foods”. At first, I read the slogan literally and set the book down while attending to my kids. “Who eats poisonous foods?” I thought.  “Maybe that is some kind of throwback to the days of Siddhartha Gautama.” Then I realized I had been nibbling on poisonous food for hours.

 In response to this person’s comments I felt hurt, attacked, and betrayed. I wondered about her motivation. I did realize that whatever her motivation was, I have undoubtedly made the same mistake. In any case, she was a teacher for me in this situation.

Marianne Williamson talks about people in our life who challenge our defenses as having been sent by “central casting.” It is possibly by design that these petty tyrants come into our lives. In Start Where You Are, Pema Chodron writes about a situation where a group of monks are being challenged by another monk with difficult characteristics. Finally, the monks had enough and the challenging monk fled his home. When the head monk found out about his departure he pursued him. The monks wondered why he would do this. His retort was, “I pay him to be here!”

If you receive feedback that feels justified in some way, make a retraction, apologize, and rectify a wrong. But if the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t indulge the negativity. When someone tries to rustle our feathers, we get to see just how far along we are on our path of personal and spiritual development and just how far we have to go. Progress may mean we are not bothered as long as we used to be or we may notice we no longer wish to seek revenge.

The unsupportive comments of this person bothered me, but not to the point of distraction. I recognized the gifts quite quickly. I know all behavior that isn’t based on love is really just a call or cry for love. I probably won’t go back for more, but I got to see how silly (and funny!) it is to defend yourself against untoward attacks and how ridiculous it is to gobble down poisonous food.

(c) 2007  Jeanine Marie Austin, Ph.D., C.Ht.
Doctor of Life Coaching Certified Hypnotherapist
Simply Divine Solutions
http://www.SimplyDivineSolutions.com