One of the gifts of growing, developing and maturing is that what we feel upset about in someone else’s behavior or choice we have done (or can identify with at least in part) ourselves. At a certain point in life we recognize that we have been the patient one and the impatient one, the success and the failure, the honest one and the prevaricator, the rescued and the rescuer, the betrayed and the betrayer. Because we have danced with duality, we have a greater opportunity to move beyond or transcend these temporary identities.
In my life coaching practice, to help people move through duality I will often have them write a “blame letter”. Because life coaching deals with existential issues rather than serious trauma or abuse, the content is of a somewhat benign nature. For example, maybe my client feels angry at a friend for not following through, maybe she had a break-up that ended with frustration and anger or maybe she feels hurt by a betrayal that has come to light. After the emotional and heartfelt letter is written, we will go back and cross out the person’s name and add “I”. The idea is to identify with that which feels unacceptable in order to release it.
Some people may wonder, “Why in the world would I want to own something unpleasant that I didn’t do?” I would offer that in order to overcome duality we need to dance with it. Through embracing paradox we can often transcend it.
Many of us will relate to being on our high horse in opposition to something and then later acting it out. We may even have forgotten that we have done nearly the same thing in the past! Very humbling! As we begin to self actualize, we may choose to “walk the middle way” in life and thoughtfully observe our manifestations and projections rather than react to them or act them out.
It is true that when people have very rigid and judgmental views they tend to act out the very thing they rail against. This is what Dr. Carl Jung would refer to as shadow manifestation. It is almost as if the hypocrite’s psyche is trying to heal itself of the fixation through its acting out. In fact, Jung said, “All neurosis is an attempt to heal the self.”
It is always interesting to see what the popular culture is fixated on and how those topics seem to be our collective culture’s shadow. Whether it is New York governor Elliot Spitzer or pop culture icon Britney Spears, we can see clearly the dance of duality. Rather than be in judgment, we can take a moment to see these instances as magnified or exaggerated examples of dances with our own duality. If we are consciously working through our own duality we might be brave enough to say, “I am that”.
(c) 2008 Jeanine Marie Austin, Ph.D., C.Ht.
Doctor of Life Coaching, Certified Hypnotherapist
Simply Divine Solutions
Life Coaching and Hypnosis Worldwide
Healthy boundaries keep good in and bad out. Please take a moment and think about how you’d like to create or soften boundaries in your life.
Some people have very rigid boundaries which keep others at bay. Others have very little in the way of boundaries. These people may be taken advantage of because they have no or very little boundary protection.
Because as women we are socialized to be nice, ladylike and polite, expectations about being a good girl may override our internal sense that our boundaries are being violated. For example, we may get into an elevator with someone we feel uncomfortable with because we don’t want to be rude. What security and defense experts urge us to do is to be aware of and honor our feelings in these situations, even if they seem rude or irrational. Let’s not rationalize away that internal signal that tells us something is wrong or unsafe, this signal is there to protect us. If we feel our energies pulling back in a situation, we may want to quickly check into our bodies for some immediate awareness regarding whether or not we are in danger (emotionally and/or physically).
In the book Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life by Jan Black and Greg Enns they write “The three purposes of boundaries are: 1)To protect you 2) To preserve you and 3) To present you. [...] Your personal boundary system lets others know who you are, what you want, and what you can give.”
Those of us with rigid boundaries may want to examine how we might soften our boundaries, making them more permeable. It may be helpful to examine our personal history to understand why we may have developed this rigidity and how these rigid boundaries may actually be hindering us in relationships now. We can always choose a new way to relate to others.
video on boundaries & communication: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTGLohIXsSs
(c) 2012 Jeanine Marie Austin, Ph.D., C.Ht.
Doctor of Life Coaching, Certified Hypnotherapist
Simply Divine Solutions
Life Coaching and Hypnosis Worldwide
I was born in August of 1965 in the sweltering heat of Opelika, Alabama. Perhaps surprisingly, the year 1965 and the state of Alabama were to be auspicious for The Civil Rights Movement.
In 1965, the Selma, Alabama to Montgomery, Alabama marches were comprised of three marches that marked the peak of the United States Civil Rights Movement. Many prominent leaders were involved in these marches, which were born from the voting rights movement, including Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Hosea Williams.
About 13 years ago, I made the pilgrimage with my mother to the Martin Luther King, Jr. death site and now museum in Memphis, Tennessee. My mother and I were engaged in conversation when we looked up to see that we had pulled into the Lorraine Hotel parking lot and were both instantly transported when we gazed upon the second floor hotel railing and could easily visualize the iconic image from 1968 with the three men pointing in the direction of the gunshots that killed Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.. Minutes later, I actually stood on the balcony where Dr King, was shot and killed. I could still feel the intense energy of purpose and the reverberation of the man who once had a dream for all of us to live in peace and harmony.
When we contemplate the almost unimaginable courage it took for Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. to give the famous “I Have A Dream” speech it leaves every last one of us moved. Acknowledging the set backs and trials and tribulations of the movement, he implored us:
“I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.”
Let us open our hearts to each other, especially to those in need of compassion and service as we celebrate MLK Day.
To watch the speech: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbUtL_0vAJk
